Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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