When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
