This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
