My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
