So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
