gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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