At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
