I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I just put wine in my tea
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
