Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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