My room smells like vodka and shame
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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