Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"