I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
