what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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