Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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