The maid of honor just puked.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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