Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
porn star boner night. come get it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
