According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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