what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
