I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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