Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
