so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
