There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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