Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
