What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
