The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
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Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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