i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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