It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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