I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
