The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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