Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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