how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
