I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
