I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
