In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
