Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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