wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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