he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
