First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
