awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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