I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dear god my vagina.
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