my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
