Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
