You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
