So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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