put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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