So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
