I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
