so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
