dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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