The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
