Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I won't apologize to a one balled man
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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