I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
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I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
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And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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