Betty ford says i'm here all night
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Too much gin, very little bucket
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
