I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Having a random hookup so left but love u
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
